


Shadow

by HookbackKarkat



Series: You and I [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk and Hal are twins, Dirk is kind of a shitty brother tbh, Hal is human, Implied/referenced dirkjake, Lots of Angst, M/M, little bit of violence, part of a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9199811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HookbackKarkat/pseuds/HookbackKarkat
Summary: What is it like, to live in someone's shadow for so long that you become it?I'll tell you.[Hal PoV]





	

**Author's Note:**

> God help me.

Dirk is having a fantastic time. He says something witty, Jake laughs, he smiles. 

Surely, the two of them truly are great friends. He isn't Dirk's only friend, though - a good handful of people from school tend to like him. He seems to enjoy the attention, so long as it isn't too much. And that's why his major friend group consists of three people. Jake, his guy friend (and to be honest, hopeless love interest); Jane, his go-to confidant (along with her father being the main investor to his projects); and Roxy, his all-time best friend. Practically a sister to him.

The two of them turn a corner, one that I have no difficulty following them with but that differs from our normal route.

So where do I come in? Oh, I'm nobody in particular as of late. After spending several years struggling to get out of Dirk's shadow, I decided it wasn't worth it to waste my time over something so trivial. There is no longer anyone to garner pride, love, or respect from with accomplishments anymore, aside from our barely-existent older brother. Nothing to gain by trying. And as I gave in, truly becoming one with his shadow, it was as if his own performance skyrocketed. With no more competition, he has no limit. He could reach the stars. In the spotlight, I am only an accentuation to his glory. 

Dirk and Jake are holding hands. Less than three feet away, hushed whispers do no good.

Do I envy him in his success? Do I resent him for taking all the attention? Do I hate him for taking the path that was big enough for the both of us and forcing me to walk in his footsteps? These are questions even I don't know how to answer. Who am I, in comparison to Dirk? I am little. I am none. Report cards matched as closely as DNA, yet my own accomplishments have always been overshadowed. Favorites seem to be quickly picked in the Strider household. Be born 47 seconds late, and you become nothing. 

Not a single glance is thrown my way before they kiss. Thoughts of pride in him trigger, but nothing comes up in my chest.

Do I want what he has? Do I feel the need for his attention? Do I wish my own fate upon him? Again, I have no answers. Love for him says that none of them are true, logic agrees. But the cold, nearly numb sensation that freezes me from the inside out still bothers me sometimes. Others I take solace in it, as emotions are harder to deal with. Since birth we have been one and the same, and yet I was never his equal. If I tried, it was 'too hard,' and I was made a fool of. We share the same interests but he receives the friends, few even know me by proxy. I once used to feel I was his imaginary friend. Perhaps I still am, and he's outgrown me. Is this what happens to the figments of children's imaginations when they become unseen? Forever a shadow, perhaps only fondly remembered. 

I'm still here. Do they even remember? They've started walking again, returning to our normal route.

Dirk has spent plenty of time outside. He is barely four shades darker than I am, but by comparison I look nearly inhuman. Pale as paper, veins and arteries visible like circuits beneath my translucent skin. His hair is a sunny platinum blond, naturally swooped back in an attractive style. In contrast I have to work to make my natural bleached-blond locks look somewhat presentable, too long and somewhat gender-ambiguous. If I were jealous of anything, it would be his stunning sunset orange eyes. Something not only normal, but beautiful. I suppose he could pull off bearing my curse instead, as he seems to do everything right. A color similar to his, yet so dark they are akin to blood in the light. Do I wish I was as normal as he is?

Everything is suddenly a blur. I don't know what I am doing. The ice has melted, boiled into something hostile. It scares me.

Beside Dirk, I can feel only fabricated. Something unnatural that could never truly live up to the humanity my creator was determined to give me. I am flesh, I am bone, I am blood, I am life. I am pain. But within his vicinity I am nothing, a reminder of 'how he could have turned out, had he not worked so hard.' I always worked harder than he did. I did everything. When our parents died, when we had been introduced to the notion of death but never truly experienced loss before, when Dirk would wake screaming in the night, who was there? No one. No one but his shadow, but me, no one was there to make it right but _I was_. I still am, I've always been here, and did anyone thank me? Does anyone ever ask if _I_ am okay, or remember _my_ birthday, or sit with _me_ at lunch? 

Refocus. Jake is on the ground, startled, blood trickling from his nose. Dirk stares at me, eyes ridiculously wide, as if stunned into silence.

Has Dirk ever shown the slightest bit of attention to me since the beginning of high school? Since middle school? When was the last time we had a real conversation? I've done everything for him, I've given up my life for him, and he has shown me nothing. We've slept in the same bed since we were toddlers, and all I have ever been is his shadow. What once was brotherly love, genuine appreciation, eventually faded into roommate's politeness, and finally into nothing at all. I am not nothing. I am real, I am here and I am now, and I will never be nothing again.

Dirk blurs. He is not fast enough, he never was. The moment I have my hands on him it's as if it burns, it feels _wrong_.

I have never easily made friends. Whenever I had them, they had always been gained through Dirk, by proxy. They were never truly my friends, no. They were Dirk's. Some would tolerate me, others would actively seek me out for conversation. If someone had a problem with me, they had to take it up with Dirk or leave me alone. He would stand up for me, he would be the protection I needed, and he was the entirety of my universe. I needed no one other than him to function, and he was quite literally my better half. As time grew on, I'm not sure what happened. Everything we used to do together, to talk about, to draw or read or watch, he moved away from it. He thought it was 'dumb' and 'childish.' He moved away from me, left me behind. Took a step forward without bringing me, and left me to walk just behind him. He treated me as his shadow.

I hesitate almost too long, and his confusion is palpable. In this moment I so desperately wish to hug him, steal his affection while he's vulnerable.

Dirk and I have never discussed life after college. The two of us are taking remarkably similar majors, and most likely would end up working together independently. But there was always that thought, the hesitation - what if someone was offered something they couldn't turn down? What if we were to split up? For many years I had that question in the back of my mind, but never spoke it because I already knew what Dirk's response would be. Now I hesitate to speak it because I'm afraid I know what his response will be. 

Dirk is on the ground before he can say anything, my backpack dropped next to him, and I'm running. Everything in my peripherals are simply streaks of color - purple and gold, our school. Blue, the sky. Green, so much green, the forest's tree line. 

Do I believe Dirk will miss me?

I do not know.


End file.
